Under Control
by Thyqua
Summary: "I've got it under control." He didn't look particularly convinced by her words, but he let it drop anyway, something Catherine was rather grateful for in that moment.     Set pre-season 1...mostly.
1. Heat

_**A/N…This is my first CSI story…so hopefully I've kept everyone in character. It's not long, but it is already finished so the next chapters should be up soon…assuming people want them! Let me know what you think…**_

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_Heat_

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A wall of heat hit her as she stepped out of the black SUV. She should really be used to these kinds of temperatures, she had lived in Vegas all her life, but today it seemed worse. Like a thick blanket of smog that she couldn't see but could feel all the same. It felt heavy in her lungs as she took a deep breath, trying to still the feeling of unease that spread through her. The sun was low in the sky now, giving the world a strange crimson tint, and yet the temperature showed no signs of dropping into more reasonable realms.

Catherine reached back into the vehicle, retrieving her forensics case and gently shutting the door. Taking a moment to look around and get her bearings, she felt even more claustrophobic being surrounded by so much activity. There were blue and red flashing lights all around her, a buzz of activity as cops and crime scene officers moved around. Suddenly she felt isolated. The noise of all the activity around her was deafening, and yet she felt disconnected from it, as if she was standing on the other side of a thick glass wall. It only took a light touch on her arm for the wall to shatter and the noise levels to return.

She turned her head to see Gil talking to her. Found herself walking beside him, following him through the mass of cop cars until they reached a clearing containing two dead bodies. He had been talking to her whilst they walked but as they came to a stop Catherine had to rack her brain to reprocess what he had said. She'd obviously heard it all, taken it in, but her mind hadn't initially felt the need to register any of it.

She doubted Grissom would notice the hesitation. Especially considering they were standing over two dead teenagers. He probably expected her to take a moment.

"Where do you want me to start?" She found her voice and hoped it was a reasonable delay.

"You take the one on the left, I've got the other, Nick has started with the overalls." Nodding silently, Catherine walked over to the body, crouching down beside it and carefully placing her case on a clear piece of ground a couple of feet away.

The girl was in her early teens, pretty, with long brown hair and hazel eyes. She looked so innocent. Catherine saw far too many dead teenagers, and most of them far from innocent. Not that she believed they deserved to die any more than this girl did. But there was something about the open empty eyes staring at her as she examined the body. There was something about them when they still looked innocent. Somehow it just made the whole thing even more difficult.

And they say you get used to something if you do it enough. Nothing in the world could enable her to get used to this. Taking samples of dirt and hair from a young girl's body that appeared to have been dumped in the desert. Discarded as if she were trash.

Catherine worked meticulously collecting samples and possible evidence for quite some time before the heat began to get to her again. Standing up, and stepping away from the body, she wiped a sleeve over her forehead, careful to miss her gloved hands. She wasn't sure if her head looked damp, but it certainly felt that way.

"You alright Cath? You look a little overheated." She hadn't realised that Nick now stood beside her, having long finished overalls and moved onto close-ups of marked evidence.

"I'm fine, just a little warm." Gil looked up from where he was crouched over the other dead body, glancing at her, frowning as he did so.

"Why don't you take the jumper off?" He asked, a standard level of scientific curiosity in his voice. It was only a thin layer, but had long sleeves all the same.

"Not the most suitable top underneath – I overslept, got dressed in a bit of a rush." She gave a slight grin to accompany the light tone, though something didn't quite sit right with Grissom. He nodded anyway, not giving it much more thought as his attention turned to the evidence before him.

She crouched back down, using her legs to pull the arms of her jumper up slightly, not really giving much thought to what she was doing, having done it many times before when not wanting to have to change her gloves just to pull her sleeves up. It wasn't until she glanced back down that she realised she'd uncovered the red marks and bruises above her wrists. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at the angry patches of skin, suddenly feeling incredibly vulnerable and exposed.

The feeling of someone watching her made her cringe internally. She barely moved her head, just flicked her eyes up to find Grissom staring at her arms. Looking back down, she wondered whether trying to push her sleeves back down would draw more attention to herself. Either way, she was sure he had noticed the tremor in her hands if not the marked skin. Making an instinctual decision, Catherine pulled her gloves off to push her sleeves back down. So much for not having to change her gloves. She stood to grab a new pair from her kit, aware of the presence of Gil coming up behind her.

He was standing right within her personal space when she turned around. She wouldn't meet him in the eyes and they both knew he wanted to question her about what he had seen. Suddenly she was so fully aware that they were surrounded by cops and colleagues.

"Not here. Not now." She shook her head as she dismissed the questions he hadn't even begun to ask. He sighed in response, knowing that he couldn't push her to talk and make a scene here.

"I want you to go back to the lab." He stated, deciding it was the best way to deal with the situation.

"Grissom – I'm fine."

"Take the evidence we've collected so far, go back with Nick and start sorting through it. I can finish up here." There wasn't any room for argument in Grissom's tone, but that didn't mean Catherine wouldn't try.

"Gil-"

"Catherine." She knew by his tone that the argument was over, that she wouldn't win no matter how hard she tried. For someone that kept to himself and often had no idea what was going on with the people around him, sometimes he could see straight through her with amazing accuracy.

She nodded silently, packing everything up in to her kit box and picking it up, moving away from the bodies in the direction of her SUV. Grissom had turned to talk to Nick as she walked away, and she found herself praying that he was only telling him to return to the lab with her rather than informing him that something else was going on. She felt the world around her slip into a blurred existence again, the noises and lights felt far away even as she walked straight past them.

"Hey, Cath. Can I grab a lift back to the lab with you?" Once again she was woken from her dream state by a voice. This time it was Nick, who'd obviously jogged a couple of paces to catch up with her.

"Sure. You can drive." She tossed the keys to him as she walked around to the passenger's side, hopping into the seat after placing her case in the back.

Catherine let the scenery wash over her as they drove back into town. The noises and flashing lights that had soon disappeared into desert after leaving the crime scene increased again as they got closer to the lab. If Nick wondered what was going on with her, why she was so quiet, he didn't make a comment. She felt rather grateful. She wasn't in the mood to keep dismissing concerns and certainly wasn't planning to explain what had left her in a whirlwind of emotions. The thought of having to deal with Grissom later was already making her stomach churn. She would love to just lie to him, but had a feeling it wasn't going to work this time.

...


	2. Under Control

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_Under Control_

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Catherine was thankful that Grissom waited until they were alone in his office before he turned to her; the questions apparent on his face before he'd opened his mouth to speak.

"Now, are you going to explain those bruises to me?" Catherine sighed, looking away and rubbing a hand across the back of her neck.

"It's nothing really. Things just got a little heated last night." She looked back to Gil as she spoke but couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"And Eddie hit you?" The anger was obvious in Grissom's tone, though Catherine was surprised to pick up on concern underlying it as well. She should have known he'd be worried about her really, but somehow she forgot that he really felt much, he was just so good at hiding it.

"No. No, nothing like that." She was quick to disagree, though she had started to wonder how long it would be like this; her always defending Eddie when he did something wrong. "We both got a little carried away." It worried her how easy it was to twist the truth somewhat, and how quickly it came out of her mouth without so much as a second thought.

"Catherine."

"I'm fine Gil, really." Even she wasn't so convinced by her tone that time.

"You can't stay there if he's like this. What about Lindsey?"

"He'd never do anything to her, he loves her." This time it wasn't a lie, she knew that for sure.

"Like he loves you?" That comment threw her a bit, she just hoped it didn't show too much. She had felt exposed enough for one night and was starting to desire being left alone.

"He'd never hurt Lindsey." She assured Gil, completely ignoring his question. "I've got it under control."

He didn't look particularly convinced by her words, but he let it drop anyway, something Catherine was rather grateful for in that moment. He knew her well enough to know she wasn't going to say anymore, and that she wouldn't be talked in or out of anything she didn't want to be.

She was strong willed, he knew that, which somehow made it more unbelievable that she'd let her husband hurt her, and that she'd stick around if he did. But then, he never had understood their relationship. They seemed a bizarre combination of personalities, and although Gil could see how they had started a relationship, he often wondered why Catherine was still with Eddie. Why she hadn't left him long ago, when she changed careers and lifestyles and wasn't really the person he'd married anymore.

Grissom had to guess that it came down to Lindsey. It was always difficult when there were children involved. And there was some kind of attraction, some kind of addiction on Catherine's part that she didn't seem to be able to step away from. Gil just hoped she knew that there were people she could come to if things got worse. He never really knew how to tell her, he just hoped that she knew.

...


	3. Loss of Control

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_Loss of Control_

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'_I've got it under control.'_

The memory of speaking those words only a few days before ran through her head as she lay on her bedroom floor, one hand clutched around her surely broken ribs. How wrong she had been.

Her head was pulsating madly, her eyes struggling to focus. She knew she needed to get to a phone but wasn't sure what would happen then. How would she explain this to the guys at work? How could she possibly explain this to her daughter? Her head became clearer as a plan began to develop. They never had to know.

She painfully pulled herself across the carpet until opposite the full-length mirror that ran almost to the floor. Barely having to push her body up, she could see her reflection.

After the initial shock of barely recognising herself, Catherine managed to assess her appearance. There didn't seem to be any visible injuries beyond where her clothes would cover. She felt an odd sense of relief pass over her. She could hide this from everyone, pretend it had never happened.

Surely that was the best option right now.

...

**A/N...thought I'd upload two chapters as they are kinda short...hope you enjoyed them all the same. Thanks to those that have reviewed so far, always love to know what you think.**


	4. Pain

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_Pain_

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"Mommy, mommy! Look, I got a gold star for my drawing!"

Catherine was woken by the sound of a small voice, getting louder as her daughter practically ran across her room and leapt up onto her bed to show her a drawing of a forest, with what appeared to be a night sky showing some interestingly shaped constellations over the trees. In her excitement, Lindsey didn't notice the flinch her mother gave as the bed moved with her impact, or the crinkling of her face in pain before she managed to hide it.

"Wow, Lindsey, that's great!" She was really trying, but somehow her voice wasn't quite as steady as usual. She should have known her daughter well enough to realise that it wouldn't pass her by.

The excitement calmed in an instant, as Lindsey let the picture fall to the bed and took the time to look at her mother.

"Mommy, are you okay?" The concern in her voice made Catherine's chest painful in an entirely different way. She reached for a tiny hand, clutching it in her own.

"I'm fine, baby, I'm just not feeling very well." Lindsey took that as a sign to place the drawing down on the bedside table and lay down beside her mother, gently snuggling up to her side.

The action made Catherine struggle to hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall all day. The last thing she wanted to do was start sobbing in front of her daughter. She managed to hold them in and just enjoy the few moments of still, peaceful quiet with Lindsey.

It only lasted a couple of minutes before her own mother appeared at the entrance to her room.

"Shouldn't you be getting up for work soon?" Lily questioned, smiling at the sight of the two girls curled up together.

"I'm not feeling too good, I'm not going in." Her mother frowned, crossing the room and doing the usual motherly thing, she laid a hand over Catherine's forehead.

"You are rather warm." She said, withdrawing her hand after a moment. "And sticky." She added wiping the back of her hand against her trousers. "We should leave you to rest. Lindsey can stay with me until you're feeling better."

"Thanks, mum." Catherine felt a wave of relief pass over her, and with it the exhaustion returned.

"I'll get you some water before we go. Do you need anything else?"

"Some painkillers? My head is killing me." Catherine hoped the fact her eyes felt half closed from pain would be enough to make it look like she really did have a headache.

Lindsey remained by her side until Lily returned. Catherine pressed a kiss to Lindsey's forehead before she was gestured away and slid from her grasp.

"Feel better soon, Mommy." Despite everything, Catherine felt a smile grace her face at how adorable Lindsey was being.

"I'll check in on you tomorrow." Lily stated before guiding Lindsey out of the room, pulling the door almost closed behind her.

Catherine wanted to sigh in relief a few minutes later when she heard the front door slam closed behind them as they left. She couldn't deal with anyone right now. She was in too much pain to have the energy to hide it for long, and couldn't exactly explain the reason.

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**A/N... oops, meant to upload this yesterday but was busy! thanks to those of you that reviewed the previous chapter...will be a slight delay before the next upload as I'm going away for a few days and not sure if I'll be able to get onto the internet...but feel free to leave me a review as a reminder to upload when I get back!**


	5. Revelations

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_Revelations_

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It was about a month later that she was handed her excuse to leave. She had mostly made her decision already, but didn't want to admit to what he had done to her for the reason for wanting a divorce. She should have known it wouldn't be long until Eddie did something else stupid and handed her an easy excuse. One that she had far less issues discussing.

It wasn't like walking in on him and another woman didn't hurt. It did, and in an entirely different way to the broken ribs and bruises he'd caused only a few weeks previously. But somehow it had felt inevitable, and a small part of her felt like she might finally be free. She knew it wasn't that simple, that they'd be wrapped up in a divorce for a while and then they would always have Lindsey to bring them together. That didn't stop the part of her that felt as though she wasn't going to be held back, tied down and squashed anymore. Not the way she was just beginning to realise she had been.

The clarity that came with such revelations was surprising sometimes. Catherine felt as if she was finally seeing their marriage for what it was; a dysfunctional mess that she'd grown so used to she hadn't even realised the impact it was having on her or Lindsey.

She found it rather incredible the lengths your mind could go to in convincing yourself to settle. That the things you were living through were normal, to be expected. Or when they were too terrible for that, to convince yourself that you deserved it. That somehow, somewhere, sometime, you had done something that made this all your fault.

No wonder people got trapped in bad relationships and situations all the time. Catherine considered herself a strong, independent woman, and yet here she was, just beginning to realise what she had allowed Eddie to do to her. Part of her couldn't believe that she'd ever let him get away with some of the things she had.

At least now, after this epiphany of sorts, Catherine knew that she'd be stronger. That she wouldn't let this happen again.

What she hadn't realised at the time was that she'd manage to go more than a year before she broke and admitted what had actually happened to anyone.

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	6. Memories

_**A/N... Oops...thought I'd uploaded this but obviously forgot. Last chapter, hope you've all enjoyed this as much as I did writing it! Massive thanks to those of you that have reviewed or added me to alerts - always good to know someone out there is reading my stories ;-) Please feel free to leave me a review after this one...reviews feed my writing soul! **_

_**Just encase it doesn't click right away - this chapter is set during the episode 'Too Tough To Die' (116)...**_

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_Memories_

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Grissom rounded the corner at the sound of raised voices. He paused when he saw Catherine and Eddie down the hallway. He didn't really want to interfere; after his conversation with Catherine earlier that day he assumed they had a lot to talk about. But their voices were growing louder, people were starting to notice and he realised he might have to step in soon.

The instant he saw Eddie grab Catherine's wrists and back her up against a wall his instincts kicked in and he was down the corridor, pulling Eddie off her before he registered moving.

"Let go of her Ed." He suddenly felt more protective of Catherine than usual, and feeling the waves of mixed emotions coming from her in that moment the feeling was warranted. "Catherine?" There were a lot more questions fitted into that single word than should have been possible. He knew her well enough to know that she'd understand all that he was asking.

"Just get him out of here." Was her reply, before she pushed herself away from the wall and turned to leave, refusing to make eye contact with either of them before she walked away.

He found her a few minutes later, sitting in the locker room. Her back to the door, legs drawn up on the bench in front of her, arms wrapped tightly around them.

"Catherine?" He heard a strange noise in response. It almost sounded like a gasp, a sob and a sniff all rolled into one. He could see her shoulders trembling from where he stood, and wondered if she was crying. Gil wasn't sure he'd ever actually seen Catherine cry. He'd seen her upset, sure, but she usually let anger overpower the sadness.

He quietly closed the door behind him, before walking up to her, taking a seat near to her on the bench, twisting his body slightly so that he could see her face. She wasn't crying. Her eyes were full of tears but her cheeks remained dry. Which lead him to wonder why her body was shaking so much. She hadn't yet shown any recognition that he had sat down beside her, rather appearing to be lost far away in thoughts.

"Cath, you're shaking." Gil laid a hand on her arm as he spoke, shocked when her body flinched away instinctively. She looked down at the floor, her thoughts obviously back in the room with him now. He took a deep breath, wondering what to do. He wasn't really programmed for these kinds of situations, but she was his friend, and she obviously needed someone right now so he'd do what he could. "Cath, are you scared of him?" She would never understand how out of the blue he could hit the nail on the head like that.

Catherine closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before they opened and she began to speak.

"He just reminded me of something I thought I'd forgotten." She paused there, wondering how to explain, how much to tell him. A little voice in the back of her head told her there wasn't much point trying to hide the truth now, her defences were too weakened to resist any real pressure. "I lied to you, Gil." She could see the surprise cover his face out of the corner of her eye. "I don't know if you remember, just over a year ago I was off for a couple of weeks with the flu?"

"Yeah, I remember, it's not like you to have time off."

"I didn't have the flu." She took another deep breath. "I had a couple of broken ribs."

"What?" Gil noticed the way Catherine tensed as he raised his voice, and made an effort from then on to keep it neutral, even if he didn't feel like it should be.

"I didn't want anyone to know, so I lied." She admitted, a horribly vulnerable and pained tone to her voice that Grissom wasn't used to hearing from her. She always seemed so strong.

"Eddie?" Catherine nodded gently. "Why didn't you tell me?" Catherine didn't answer for a moment.

"I don't know." She shook her head slowly. "I was ashamed, I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I thought if I could just find a reason for not really seeing anyone for a couple of weeks I'd have time to heal and nobody would need to know." She sighed. "I convinced my mother I was too ill to take care of Lindsey, Eddie had gone away for a few days, so she stayed with her."

"I spoke to you on the phone – you sounded terrible."

"I felt pretty terrible for a few days, and then I just strung it out until I thought I could hide the pain whilst I was at work."

"God, Catherine. I wish you had told me."

"I didn't want to become _that_ person, we see it all the time, people treat you differently once they know. I didn't want that."

As Catherine fell silent, Grissom realised he didn't really know what to say to that. There was no point assuring her that none of them would have treated her differently, because it's only natural that they would. Nick and Warrick would probably have become more protective. He wasn't even sure what he would have done.

"What happened just now – I haven't seen that side of Eddie since. He knew he'd made a mistake and I left as soon as I could find a good reason."

"Other than him hitting you?" Gil couldn't help the sarcasm that spilled out.

"A good reason I didn't mind explaining." She expanded, a hint of annoyance in her tone. "I almost forgot about it. Until today." The annoyance slipped away as quickly as it had appeared, being replaced by sadness and pain.

Suddenly it all made sense to Grissom. Why she was so scared, why she had sounded ready to cry when she asked him to get Eddie out of the lab. She was tough, she put up with a lot without ever faltering, but everybody had their limits. Catherine had reached hers when old fears came out to play. Old issues she'd obviously never taken the time to deal with.

Gil did something uncharacteristic then; he placed an arm around Catherine's shoulders, pulling her closer to him. She was sure she could count on one hand the amount of times they'd hugged in the years they'd known each other. Overcoming her surprise at the action, she laid her head on his shoulder and let the comfort of simply being held spread through her.

Catherine took a shaky breath as she began to relax; realising her control over her emotions was about to slip away from her. Her hand came up to cover her face as a sob escaped, soon followed by a steady flow of tears. She'd tried to hold everything together for too long. Everyone needed to break down occasionally.

Gil didn't say a word; he just held her, let her cry and sob and mutter incoherently and sat with her through it all until she finally settled down.

Before they left the locker room to return to work and their normal lives, Catherine grabbed hold of one of his hands and simply looked at him. Gil met her eyes and at first expected her to say something, yet soon realised she didn't have the words for what she wanted to say. He could easily read the expressions on her face, the gratitude that he'd been there for her, and hoped she'd realise that he would always be there, whenever she needed a friend. Despite his own lacking to find the appropriate words.

The delicate smile that graced her face and slight squeeze of his hand before she left told him that she understood.

Sometimes words were an unnecessary accessory.

...


End file.
